The relationship began with what he calls a "Leave It to Beaver" childhood in the Chicago suburbs, where his father had a plumbing business and his mother, a nurse, stayed home with the kids. Puretaboo matters into her own hands meaning. It's because the Professor of Television told me to. The crass verbal and visual assaults on women that pollute the tube, for example, would never be tolerated in the average American workplace. I've been meaning to watch "Buffy, " so I do, and it turns into a near-"Sopranos" experience. By the end of the '70s, "jiggle" sitcoms like "Three's Company, " a nudge-nudge, wink-wink exercise in voyeurism and sexual innuendo, were outraging numerous television observers, despite the fact that by today's standards, they might as well have been "The Donna Reed Show.
But for now, I was just a newly minted "Simpsons" fan along for the ride as Homer complained to the studio bosses about identity theft, got a quick lesson in television authorship ("The 15 of us began with a singular vision"), had his real personality ripped off and mocked in a revised version of "Police Cops" and fought back -- to hilarious effect -- by changing his name to Max Power. With impossible speed and strength, wielding incredible intelligence and advanced technology, the Krinar control this planet and every human on it. Puretaboo matters into her own hands movie. Still, I managed to decode the joke. "He's not an icon you see every day, " a proud Toyota marketer once explained.
Her parents and siblings alternately ridicule and ignore her -- her mother keeps trying to change the subject to a new dress she's just bought her -- but she perseveres. Who's that calling Aaron her "knight in shining armor all the way"? This skill, combined with his subject expertise -- his formal title is professor of media and popular culture, which gives him license to talk about much more than just the tube -- has landed him in the Rolodexes of reporters and talk show bookers nationwide. Puretaboo matters into her own hands baby. It's his candidate for Best TV Series Ever Made, and not only because he's working on a book about it. "We never see that the other way around. ") "It looked like a third leg, " a young woman exclaims, referring to a male roommate who's been flaunting his aroused state. I tape a couple more episodes of "The Bachelor, " but while I know from outside sources that my fave is still hanging in there, I somehow never find the time to watch. The idea was to expose me to the best two shows on TV today, at least by conventional artistic standards, as well as to something lower down the food chain that he nonetheless found of interest.
Plus, it's on a premium pay cable service that carries no advertising, so you don't get those jarring cuts to McDonald's Dollar Menu ads. As TV Bob himself points out, the slogan "It's not television -- it's HBO" was adopted for good reason. In the episode I watch, the guy's first move is to ask his would-be paramours to remove their tops so he can inspect the merchandise. But I have trouble telling his girlfriends apart. I'm not going there. To explain, we've got to back up a bit. There were westerns like "Bonanza" and "Gunsmoke, " and sitcoms like "Green Acres, " "The Beverly Hillbillies" and "My Three Sons. " Making television is like writing a sonnet, the argument goes: The artist must work within a highly restrictive form. On the tube, SUVs scale sheer cliffs and float on clouds. I didn't run screaming from the room, but the impulse was there. "M*A*S*H" didn't even have the courage of its antiwar convictions: It was set in Korea, not Vietnam. If TV used to be a parallel universe because of what it left out, it has now become a parallel universe because of what it allows.
But while the TV-as-art question is an interesting one, and more complex than it may appear at first glance, it's also a red herring; you can ignore it completely and still find good reasons to study the tube. "So in an average day, you watch zero television? " Ditto with "The West Wing" -- after 17 years in Washington, I've seen more than enough of the power game, and have no appetite for the Hollywood version. "The hubris of the whole thing" is what's so astonishing, he says. "Who will be sent home brokenhearted? Then I rewound it and watched it again. I force myself to watch more "Friends" -- having learned to my amazement that it's the No. And I'm curious to see just how far she'll go. We've finished exchanging biographies now, but he's still shaking his head over mine. We don't have it at home -- installing it was a sacrifice we weren't prepared to make for the sake of a magazine article -- so I spend every spare moment in my cable-rich Syracuse hotel room, including more than a few during which I should be sleeping, wielding the clicker. Tell the suckers they'll be unique if they just choose the right bank card.
In addition to sitting in on the Professor's classes, I've been spending a lot of time in his office watching old television. I've picked a favorite bachelorette. Hey, let's use monks chanting for the glory of God to sell Pepsi Blue. When I first phoned TV Bob, he gave me an initial assignment. He got the concept instantly. Which one prefers candle wax to candlelight behind closed doors? I am going to be an engineer! No "Leave It to Beaver" scenario could accommodate my father, who's about as un-Ward-like as they come. "The Bachelor" is dragging on and on. Yes, there are many things about television that he truly loves. The good news is, she is okay. "I'll be Virgil to your Dante, " he said.
He's been thinking about it, he says. Then came a quote from the head of the Center for the Study of Popular Television at Syracuse University. I wanted to do an article, I told him, in which I would try to understand television from his point of view. I stuck with it, though. And yet, as I listen to TV Bob describe the changes those CBS executives ushered in -- he compares them to an earthquake caused by the shifting of a culture's tectonic plates -- I find myself nodding my head. And it survived his college days at the University of Chicago, where he realized -- after contemplating the rows and rows of art history texts he'd have to master before he could leave his mark on that field -- that television was almost virgin territory for scholars. The Professor tells me with a grin. After their forbidden night of passion, Bianca enters Soren's dark, seductive world. 'Even a Mob Guy Couldn't Take It Anymore'. He still marvels at the fact that, unlike most of the TV bashers he encounters, I actually don't watch television.
So I'm truly startled when he formulates what I've come to think of as the Ultimate TV Hypothetical. It's a few weeks after the Professor left his cosmic hypothetical hanging, and I'm hunched in front of the tube again, gearing up for the grand finale. "That, to me, is a really difficult question, " he says. So one day last fall I called him up. The reason I didn't watch TV as a kid is that he simply refused to buy one. And I've seen a sweet, nostalgic episode of "The Andy Griffith Show, " set in the fictional town of Mayberry. I'm watching TV pretty steadily now, between work on another project and visits to Syracuse. In the past, whenever I violated my personal no-TV rule -- mostly at World Series time -- I'd often find myself staring at the commercials, stunned. To even begin to replicate my experience, I'd have to interrupt this story, oh, every three or four paragraphs with italicized blather about cell phones, Viagra, fajitas, upcoming TV shows or -- whatever. As a father of daughters, especially, I'm revolted by the whole meat market scenario.
Elsewhere, " which is what the Professor says I'd have to do to really understand, but I do get through eight of its greatest hits. Call it good craftsmanship, if you want. There is one in particular she can't get out of her head—the seductive Krinar Ambassador named Soren. As I absorb all this, it occurs to me that a weird cultural flip-flop has taken place. TV Bob's personal favorite was the relatively obscure "St. TV Bob loves "Andy Griffith" more than any other television from the 1960s. Briefly, astonishingly, for better or for worse, a whole generation of Americans threatened to shake themselves free from the cultural mainstream. Rafael Palmeiro uses it for sex -- check it out!
The low point of my cable experience, however -- the moment that makes me want to turn one of Tony Soprano's hit men loose on those responsible, just as Tony himself almost did with his daughter's child-molesting soccer coach -- occurs when I stumble onto Howard Stern and his entourage deciding which of two contestants should get free breast implants. A single touch from him might cause an interstellar war. But her new life as Soren's woman puts a target on her back, and her status as First Daughter only makes things worse. But then "this other stuff starts happening.
Given my horrifying ignorance of the medium, he's volunteered to give me a condensed version of his basic TV history course, which he isn't teaching this semester.
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