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One of the hardest parts about being a stepmom is the need to keep quiet about the tough stuff and how it's affecting you. I would change a lot of things I did as a stepmother if I could go back in time, but I wouldn't give up my blended family. Don't play the blame game.
Don't let it get you down. There's almost always a honeymoon period, he said. "They told me they think of me as their REAL MOM! " Image via Zaman Babu/Flickr Creative Commons.
Four, and this was a biggie, I often felt like the world's worst stepmother. Suddenly, I felt like my relationship with my stepdaughters was disintegrating -- and nothing I did or didn't do seemed to help matters. A counselor can be wonderful at helping you do this. And then all hell breaks loose. But then puberty happened. I still believe I'm here for a reason. You will come across other stepmoms who can't stop raving about how wonderful their relationships are with their stepchildren.
Maybe you, like me, have spent too much time beating yourself up about your shortcomings as a stepmother. Work on that, and hope that your efforts inspire others in your family to try harder, too. You might need to visit a few counselors/therapists before you find the one that's right for you. I am gentler with myself. Or maybe you think your marital problems are all your stepkids' fault. My husband and I didn't visit a counselor until we'd been married eight years, which was a huge mistake. And the girls came to live with us seven days a week.
You can't change everyone else, but you can change yourself. Find a counselor or therapist, even if you don't think you need one. I now believe that a good stepmom is physically/emotionally available when her stepkids need and want her to be, and she backs off and becomes a behind-the-scenes supporter to her husband's parenting when they don't. I'm not their mom, and acting like I was probably caused some resentment and confusion on both ends. You are not their mother. Over and over and over again.
Three, writing about step parenting while you're in the trenches of it is a lot like writing about divorce as you're going through it -- emotions are running rampant and very few writers can steer through the subject with grace and objectivity. More than 70% of blended family marriages fail. Silence is the best policy. One, I'm not my stepdaughters' mom, and if I were, I don't think I'd be too happy if they had a stepmother writing about their lives on her blog. Or their 'Bonus Mom, ' for that matter. Somehow, we all muddled through adolescence and made it through to the other side. "They tell me ALL their secrets! " Protect your marriage at all costs. My stepdaughters and I got along right away from the moment we met, and the first two years of blended family-dom were pretty awesome.
I am a far better wife and mother than I would have been without my stepdaughters. My own stepfather said this to me a few years ago. I really thought I could solve everything and everyone if I just tried hard enough. But know up front that I am going to limit this subject and its details to MY story, not the story of my stepdaughters or their mother.
You can have a meaningful, loving, influential relationship with your stepchildren, but it will be different from that between a mother and child. Don't compare yourself to other stepparents. We are learning more about each other as we go. And the experience actually ended up being a huge bonding point for my husband and me. I went into the first session thinking I was a horrible stepmom and that our problems raising the girls were unique to us and insurmountable, and do you know what the counselor told us? Girl, you don't need a parade. So let's start with ten brutal truths I've learned in my eleven years (and counting) as a stepmom, truths that every new stepmom, or woman even thinking of becoming a stepmom should consider. You may agree -- you may disagree. We are all messed up, but you know what? It will teach them to do the same some day. I am more reluctant to judge others.
If childrearing issues are pulling you apart, pinpoint exactly what's hurting your marriage and protect your relationship in this area immediately and relentlessly.